Just a thought about my life. Well really all of our lives. But mostly mine cause I'm the one saying it.
I have been struggling a lot lately. About all sorts of things. About being lonely. About not feeling like I'm cool, or beautiful, or even likable. About not even being to wear the kind of cloths I want to. With food, with smoking, with pretty much everything under the sun it seams like. I've been avoiding God. Believing in a lie that He doesn't care and that if He REALLY cared that He would provide someone to ease my loneliness And He would miraculously cause my sells to go up so that my boss will still love me by the end of the month...
And that's just the examples I can think of at this moment that I've been struggling with. But Then a couple of days ago as I was tell God why I was deliberately not talking to Him for the day because I feel so unseen and unknown and totally undesired and He should fix that: He reminded me of an event that happened close to 3 years ago.
In July of 2007 Kern Christian Church had a summer camp which was AMAZING!!!! The Spirit of God was totally there and rocked my world along with the worlds of everyone around me. But the reason I remember this camp isn't because of what God was doing in Mammoth California where the camp was, but it was what happened on the way home. My friend Joel and I both had to work the last day of the camp so we drove home like 18 hours before everyone else did in the middle of the night. We had spent the entire time talking about what God had done and just how wonderful He was. But about an hour before we got home, the Spirit fell. And I mean FELL!!! His presence was soo thick I couldn't move. Well neither could Joel (honestly how he kept driving the car... I have no idea, angels may have taken over at that point...) His glory was sooo...well, glorious that I feel like I was breathing water. Not kidding. This was all real and not just some delusion. I felt like I should have died that night simply because of the lack of actual oxygen. Lucky for me and Joel, the breath of God is what gives us life in the first place so we were good to go! If I thought that God had rocked my world the past three days before that moment, well whatever happened before was nothing compared to this.
But as amazing as that was what Jesus was really reminded me of actually happened a few days later. I was once again getting a ride home from Joel (thanks dude! You're awesome!). A couple of weeks before that a group of us had been talking about what we would be willing to do in the name of the Lord, mostly regarding mayrter and how much we'd really be able to take and doubting if even one of us would really be tourchered and die for Him. After what happened that night I told him that I don't think I could even deny God. Because in that one hour I felt more alive and more real then ever and how could I ever leave my God who loves me enough to fill a car with heaven that left me pretty much useless by the world's standards for days afterward. I meant every word I said then. And even while I was rebelling in my heart against God and blaming Him for my brokenness, I still meant it. I know that seams twisted and probably hypocritical, but even in my sin, there is NOTHING else that I want. I want my God, the King of the Universe, my Lover who died for me before any of my ancestors were even thought of.
Later that same day, Joel posted a comment on my facebook wall commenting on the very same event God had reminded me of that morning. God totally knows what He's doing huh?
As I have been pondering all of that I keep coming back to one thing. I need to re-focus. My life isn't about my marital status or what brand jeans I'm wearing or if I do well at my job or even if I'm liked/loved by those around me. Because those things do matter to me, they do matter to God but they should always be on the side. The reason I live, the reason God created me and allowed me to be born at the time I was, is to worship Him and allow Him to fashion my life into whatever will bring Him the most glory. And that's it. God is glorious, He is wonderful, He is wild, unpredictable, and captivating. it's only when I let myself be blinded that I don't see that. And when I do, this is all clear and I wonder what in the hell I was thinking.... oh that's right, I was thinking in hell and not in heaven! lol!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Release of Destiny
Tonight I was hanging out with my good friend Kathy, and we had a great work out together and then began to talk as women do. The fact that we waited until after the workout before really getting into a conversation is amazing enough and worthy of a blog just in itself.
But that's not the reason for this one. As we were talking, we began expressing some dreams and visions for our lives that we want to see come true. One thing that I love to do is act. I love every part about it. I love the rehearsals, the getting into the character's head, the performance, the praise afterward, the knowledge that what you just did touched someone. Acting (among many other things) is a form of worship for me. Even if what I'm acting has nothing to do with the Lord. This is my passion and my heart, and so when I act I come alive. And just through that life Jesus shines through.
This summer I want to try and get some people together to go out and do some form of street ministry using drama. I told my friend this and she was reminded of a word given several years ago. She didn't remember all of it but she promised to look it up for me and let me know what it said in full. I will let you know what the word actually said. What she did remember was that part of it was prophesying how art would release destinies in those who view them. Meaning that while someone is looking at a painting, or watching a movie, or reading a book that was made out of the prompting of the Holy Spirit, that person would know who he or she really is and what he or she is meant to do.
Can you imagine?!?!?!? After all we do we watch movies, or look at paintings, or read books, or listen to music? They stories that they tell, the pictures they present stir something in us. They touch places in our hearts they we hardly admit that we have.
This is what I want to do. This is what I want my life to be about. I want to be used by God to release the destinies of those around me. Just by living out my destiny, I can join the Holy Spirit in this.
But that's not the reason for this one. As we were talking, we began expressing some dreams and visions for our lives that we want to see come true. One thing that I love to do is act. I love every part about it. I love the rehearsals, the getting into the character's head, the performance, the praise afterward, the knowledge that what you just did touched someone. Acting (among many other things) is a form of worship for me. Even if what I'm acting has nothing to do with the Lord. This is my passion and my heart, and so when I act I come alive. And just through that life Jesus shines through.
This summer I want to try and get some people together to go out and do some form of street ministry using drama. I told my friend this and she was reminded of a word given several years ago. She didn't remember all of it but she promised to look it up for me and let me know what it said in full. I will let you know what the word actually said. What she did remember was that part of it was prophesying how art would release destinies in those who view them. Meaning that while someone is looking at a painting, or watching a movie, or reading a book that was made out of the prompting of the Holy Spirit, that person would know who he or she really is and what he or she is meant to do.
Can you imagine?!?!?!? After all we do we watch movies, or look at paintings, or read books, or listen to music? They stories that they tell, the pictures they present stir something in us. They touch places in our hearts they we hardly admit that we have.
This is what I want to do. This is what I want my life to be about. I want to be used by God to release the destinies of those around me. Just by living out my destiny, I can join the Holy Spirit in this.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Don't Give Up. Get Desperate.
Stuck. Completely and utterly stuck. This feeling was one my sister and I feel very well. We were talking yesterday morning about how completely hopeless our situations seems. Jobs either are non-existent or underpaid, overworked, and taking a cut back. Which means finances are the same way, along with the dreams and desires we have for our lives.
As we were talking she kept asking this question, "When do I get to just give up?" and I thought that was a good question. How long do we have to trust God to provide while our lives fall apart? God is good. That is truth. No matter what happens to me or in this world, God is still good. Period. So why do I feel like He isn't being good to me? I prayed about that for a while, seeking God on an answer for why all of this is going on and what can I do to finally change all this. And quietly, the words were spoken to me: "Get Desperate".
Why all of this is happening I don't know. I do know that there are certain laws in motion in the universe and everything has it's consequences, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about why after months of prayer and job searching I still don't have a job, or after years in my brother in law's case. or why after every time I seek God for what I should do with my life and receive and instruction, when I try to follow it it all falls apart.
But what if I got desperate? Like really desperate? In our society desperation is a totally foreign concept for us. We are so comfortable in the blessings that we so often take for granted. Despite all that I feel is wrong in my life, I have never gone hungry, I have never been homeless, I have never not been able to take a shower or never had a warm place to sleep. And while at this point the only reason those things are true are because I have amazing friends who love me and give me grace when I can't pay rent... But really I have never known what it means to be truly without. Maybe with out a shopping budget, but never without real necessities.
In 2 Samuel 12 we can see how desperate David became to move the heart of the Lord for his son. The prophet Nathan informed David that his son would die in punishment for his sin with Bathsheba. Out of desperation David began to fast and pray that God would save his son. While the end of this story ends with the death of the child, I see that David knew something. He believed that his desperation could move the heart of God.
2 Kings 4:8-36 tells the story of a barren shunammite woman who was blessed with a son after blessing Elisha with her hospitality. The passage tells of the boy dieing while still young. I am struck by the woman's desperation to go to Elisha himself. Not his servant and at a time that was not normal or maybe even appropriate. After traveling to see him, she was pushed away but yet she persisted and finally Elisha sent his right hand man to heal the boy. Still she wouldn't go until Elisha decided to go with her. After they got home we can see Elisha's desperation for God to intercede for this boy. The passage tells how he laid himself out over the boy until the body became warm. Can you imagine? Laying over a dead body until the skin finally became warm? Umm...gross... But he still did it. Twice. And then the boy lived.
There are many other examples of desperation in the Bible, look and you will see over and over again people on their knees before God. Praying for children, or rain, or wisdom and understanding. We can see Jesus' desperation in the Garden of Gethsemane. And while maybe not every prayer was answered, the hearts of those people were changed if not the situation around them. But the lesson and time spent with God in these times are invaluable.
I can think of other people just in my life who have shown me desperation. I can think of one friend who was telling me about how he would go into the mountains around his house to pray. He told me how he liked it when he was uncomfortable when praying in repentance or desperation. Once he even said he had a cactus pushing into his stomach and he liked it because it was a chance to show God how serious he was.
I want to be that kind of desperate. Face down in dirt, cactus sticking in my side, exposed to wild animals but not going to let up until God moves kind of desperate. I don't want how long it takes or who's watching. I want to show God that I'm serious. I need Him. I want Him to move in my life and give me something to live for, something to do. That's what I'm going after. Either until the Lord releases me or works and shows His glory and blesses me.
For whoever reads this, if anyone reads this. I hope that you are encouraged and that you are not alone. Maybe you're in the same place and you feel like you're life is going up in smoke. Don't give up. Get Desperate. For Jesus, even if nothing changes, the Lord will be with you.
As we were talking she kept asking this question, "When do I get to just give up?" and I thought that was a good question. How long do we have to trust God to provide while our lives fall apart? God is good. That is truth. No matter what happens to me or in this world, God is still good. Period. So why do I feel like He isn't being good to me? I prayed about that for a while, seeking God on an answer for why all of this is going on and what can I do to finally change all this. And quietly, the words were spoken to me: "Get Desperate".
Why all of this is happening I don't know. I do know that there are certain laws in motion in the universe and everything has it's consequences, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about why after months of prayer and job searching I still don't have a job, or after years in my brother in law's case. or why after every time I seek God for what I should do with my life and receive and instruction, when I try to follow it it all falls apart.
But what if I got desperate? Like really desperate? In our society desperation is a totally foreign concept for us. We are so comfortable in the blessings that we so often take for granted. Despite all that I feel is wrong in my life, I have never gone hungry, I have never been homeless, I have never not been able to take a shower or never had a warm place to sleep. And while at this point the only reason those things are true are because I have amazing friends who love me and give me grace when I can't pay rent... But really I have never known what it means to be truly without. Maybe with out a shopping budget, but never without real necessities.
In 2 Samuel 12 we can see how desperate David became to move the heart of the Lord for his son. The prophet Nathan informed David that his son would die in punishment for his sin with Bathsheba. Out of desperation David began to fast and pray that God would save his son. While the end of this story ends with the death of the child, I see that David knew something. He believed that his desperation could move the heart of God.
2 Kings 4:8-36 tells the story of a barren shunammite woman who was blessed with a son after blessing Elisha with her hospitality. The passage tells of the boy dieing while still young. I am struck by the woman's desperation to go to Elisha himself. Not his servant and at a time that was not normal or maybe even appropriate. After traveling to see him, she was pushed away but yet she persisted and finally Elisha sent his right hand man to heal the boy. Still she wouldn't go until Elisha decided to go with her. After they got home we can see Elisha's desperation for God to intercede for this boy. The passage tells how he laid himself out over the boy until the body became warm. Can you imagine? Laying over a dead body until the skin finally became warm? Umm...gross... But he still did it. Twice. And then the boy lived.
There are many other examples of desperation in the Bible, look and you will see over and over again people on their knees before God. Praying for children, or rain, or wisdom and understanding. We can see Jesus' desperation in the Garden of Gethsemane. And while maybe not every prayer was answered, the hearts of those people were changed if not the situation around them. But the lesson and time spent with God in these times are invaluable.
I can think of other people just in my life who have shown me desperation. I can think of one friend who was telling me about how he would go into the mountains around his house to pray. He told me how he liked it when he was uncomfortable when praying in repentance or desperation. Once he even said he had a cactus pushing into his stomach and he liked it because it was a chance to show God how serious he was.
I want to be that kind of desperate. Face down in dirt, cactus sticking in my side, exposed to wild animals but not going to let up until God moves kind of desperate. I don't want how long it takes or who's watching. I want to show God that I'm serious. I need Him. I want Him to move in my life and give me something to live for, something to do. That's what I'm going after. Either until the Lord releases me or works and shows His glory and blesses me.
For whoever reads this, if anyone reads this. I hope that you are encouraged and that you are not alone. Maybe you're in the same place and you feel like you're life is going up in smoke. Don't give up. Get Desperate. For Jesus, even if nothing changes, the Lord will be with you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)