Just a thought about my life. Well really all of our lives. But mostly mine cause I'm the one saying it.
I have been struggling a lot lately. About all sorts of things. About being lonely. About not feeling like I'm cool, or beautiful, or even likable. About not even being to wear the kind of cloths I want to. With food, with smoking, with pretty much everything under the sun it seams like. I've been avoiding God. Believing in a lie that He doesn't care and that if He REALLY cared that He would provide someone to ease my loneliness And He would miraculously cause my sells to go up so that my boss will still love me by the end of the month...
And that's just the examples I can think of at this moment that I've been struggling with. But Then a couple of days ago as I was tell God why I was deliberately not talking to Him for the day because I feel so unseen and unknown and totally undesired and He should fix that: He reminded me of an event that happened close to 3 years ago.
In July of 2007 Kern Christian Church had a summer camp which was AMAZING!!!! The Spirit of God was totally there and rocked my world along with the worlds of everyone around me. But the reason I remember this camp isn't because of what God was doing in Mammoth California where the camp was, but it was what happened on the way home. My friend Joel and I both had to work the last day of the camp so we drove home like 18 hours before everyone else did in the middle of the night. We had spent the entire time talking about what God had done and just how wonderful He was. But about an hour before we got home, the Spirit fell. And I mean FELL!!! His presence was soo thick I couldn't move. Well neither could Joel (honestly how he kept driving the car... I have no idea, angels may have taken over at that point...) His glory was sooo...well, glorious that I feel like I was breathing water. Not kidding. This was all real and not just some delusion. I felt like I should have died that night simply because of the lack of actual oxygen. Lucky for me and Joel, the breath of God is what gives us life in the first place so we were good to go! If I thought that God had rocked my world the past three days before that moment, well whatever happened before was nothing compared to this.
But as amazing as that was what Jesus was really reminded me of actually happened a few days later. I was once again getting a ride home from Joel (thanks dude! You're awesome!). A couple of weeks before that a group of us had been talking about what we would be willing to do in the name of the Lord, mostly regarding mayrter and how much we'd really be able to take and doubting if even one of us would really be tourchered and die for Him. After what happened that night I told him that I don't think I could even deny God. Because in that one hour I felt more alive and more real then ever and how could I ever leave my God who loves me enough to fill a car with heaven that left me pretty much useless by the world's standards for days afterward. I meant every word I said then. And even while I was rebelling in my heart against God and blaming Him for my brokenness, I still meant it. I know that seams twisted and probably hypocritical, but even in my sin, there is NOTHING else that I want. I want my God, the King of the Universe, my Lover who died for me before any of my ancestors were even thought of.
Later that same day, Joel posted a comment on my facebook wall commenting on the very same event God had reminded me of that morning. God totally knows what He's doing huh?
As I have been pondering all of that I keep coming back to one thing. I need to re-focus. My life isn't about my marital status or what brand jeans I'm wearing or if I do well at my job or even if I'm liked/loved by those around me. Because those things do matter to me, they do matter to God but they should always be on the side. The reason I live, the reason God created me and allowed me to be born at the time I was, is to worship Him and allow Him to fashion my life into whatever will bring Him the most glory. And that's it. God is glorious, He is wonderful, He is wild, unpredictable, and captivating. it's only when I let myself be blinded that I don't see that. And when I do, this is all clear and I wonder what in the hell I was thinking.... oh that's right, I was thinking in hell and not in heaven! lol!
